Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Dear Gramma,

The 26th was the 4 year anniversary of your death. It is so hard to believe that you have been gone for that long. The twins were not quite 10 months old. You were always so awesome to me. I completely hit the jackpot, an amazing mom and amazing Grandparents, I am so lucky. More lucky then most.

When we tried for years to get pregnant, you were always so supportive. Always listened. You would say that you had no clue what it was like to go through what we were going through, but you always let me say what I needed to say and never judged me on it. I remember mom calling you to tell you that I was pregnant. I was standing right there. But she was DYING to tell someone. I could hear you screaming for joy over the phone. When we found out it was twins, you were screaming again. You moved to North Carolina for good when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I was so sad when you and grampa left. I wanted you to be as active in my kids lives as you were in mine. It broke my heart the day you pulled away for the last time. Granted you were back in October for Josh's wedding. But it just made me so sad.

I cannot remember when you started calling the twins your "Miracle Babies" but you did. I remember you calling me to talk and telling me that you were telling the hair dresser, the checkout lady at the grocery store, the lady at the dollar store and anyone that would listen that your granddaughter was having miracle babies. You loved my babies so much before you even got to see them or hold them.

You always had this uncanny way of knowing when someone needed to talk. When something was bothering them. All of a sudden my phone would ring and there you were. You did that when I was in labor with the twins. All of a sudden you were on the phone. "So are you having those miracle babies?" And I was. You said that you would stay up and wait to hear the news. We called and you had just gone to the bathroom. Grampa answered the phone before the first ring had ended. You cried when we told you that we named Lindsay after your dad.

3 weeks later you were here. After spending 15 hours in a car you immediately came over to my house to see the Miracle babies. I think you spent every day with us for the 3+ weeks that you were here. We all cried when you left again.

You were back the beginning of May for Becca's wedding. You did not even make it to Aunt Zorrinea's house before you made Grampa stop so you could see the miracle babies. I nearly fainted when I walked in and there was Aunt Paula. You could not get enough of your miracle babies. I am not sure how many rolls of film that you took. But you had to have your pictures to show everyone. Of course when you left again we all cried. We never realized that that would be your last visit home. The night you got home you had a "gall bladder attack". I told you it sounded more like a heart attack but you would not go to the hospital.

Now that I think back about it, that was the way you wanted to go. Your last visit here you were glowing. You were beautiful. You were just so happy. You got to see all your friends for the last time the way you wanted to.

We came down in August for the family reunion. We had an awesome time. I am not sure that there was a moment that you were not holding one of the miracle babies. We had to go ALL OVER NC to show everyone your miracle grandbabies. You loved them so much.

In September Darren, the twins and I went to Asheville for a getting together with some friends. They were going to go to the Builtmore Estate so we decided to drive over and see you. That was Friday and we were not suppose to come until Sunday. You and I sat on the floor playing with your miracle babies and you said, "So I take it that you came because your grampa has a huge aneurysm that could blow at anytime". LOL, no, I came to see you all but tell me about this aneurysm. Grampa was going to see a specialist about this huge aneurysm in a couple weeks. Your face was all puffy and the walk in clinic told you that you had a sinus infection. We spent 2 amazing days with you and grampa. We had so many great talks. You told me who and what was special to you and your heart. You swore me to not repeat these things to some people. We were so close.

We got home September 24th. September 29th I was at moms. Paula called to talk to me. Then grampa called. You were swollen in your face, neck, arms. I told them that you could have been going into congestive heart failure. GO TO THE HOSPITAL. You were stubborn and finally I just yelled at you to get your ass at the hospital now.

I spent a long time trying to get a hold of you. For some odd reason I knew something was wrong. I could not reach you at home or on your cell phone. So I called the hospital. They put Aunt Paula on the phone. Grampa was in the van. He was not feeling well. (aneurysms have a way of doing that) Aunt Paula told me that your chest xray had an area of abnormality. You asked me what that could be and I lied to her. I told her...Oh it could just be that she was exposed to TB. I COULD NOT tell her you had lung cancer. I knew from the terminology that it was lung cancer. Mom had gone to the bathroom. I told Becca what I found out and what I knew it was. Mom got out of the bathroom and I told her about the chest xray. I told her what I told Aunt Paula and mom looked at me in the eyes. She KNEW I was lying. She could see in my eyes what I had told Becca. We opted not to tell Zorrinea what we knew it was. We just told her an abnormal area.

I went home, told Darren that you had cancer and packed my bags. At 11 pm that night I got the phone call from my mom. I then 4 minutes later got a phone call from Zorrinea screaming. Ever so mellow dramatic. We left 9/30/02 1:00am to head to NC. Me, mom, the twins, zorrinea and cassie.

Those next 8 weeks were awesome. I spent 4.5 of them with you. When they called to tell me that you could not take any more chemo and that your heart was too badly damaged from the heart attack that you sustained at the beginning of November, I came down. I had to tell you good bye one talk time. Who knew that this visit was the most important visit in my little mans life.

The night I arrived we ate then I came with the twins, aunt paula and mom and rick to the hospital. When I walked into your room you looked so sad. The fire was gone from your eyes. You told me that you did not want to die yet. You wanted to see the miracle babies grow up and get married. How I sat there and did not start sobbing I have no clue. Just thinking about that moment now makes me cry.

You were too weak to hold the babies. I put Gabe in bed with you and you would just loving on him and rubbing his head and you told me, "He has a ridge here". I promised you that I would get it checked out. Who would have known that that comment would save Gabe's life. You died so I would be there and you could find that ridge. That is why you died. You saved your miracle baby's life. I cannot look at Gabe's scar without thinking of you.

8 months 10 days after you died, I gave birth to Hannah Euphene. You had told me at Becca's wedding that we wanted Darren and I just to take a pregnancy test and be pregnant. A surprise. That was Hannah. You told me back after I had the twins that I needed to name our next baby girl Hannah Euphene. That you just LOVED the name Hannah and if you had to live with the middle name Euphene then so should someone else.

We joke that for Hannah never knowing you she sure does act just like you. Compassionate and stubborn. A loving soul who can make everyone laugh.

I miss you so much. I look at my Christmas tree and I think of you. That is a story for another day.

I love you, I miss you, I thank you.

8 comments:

sabrina said...

That is a sweet entry about your gramma! She sounded like an amazing person!! (((BIG HUG)))

suzanne said...

this is an amazing story. Thanks for sharing.

Carrie said...

BIG HUGS - what a wonderful story!!!

Laura said...

Your story was so touching. I'm glad you shared it with all of us. Thank you. :)

Linda said...

What a beautiful entry!!

Lynn said...

Oh Michelle, I have tears in my eyes, what a beautiful and touching entry. Your Gramma sounds like an amazing woman!

Rebecca said...

What a nice tribute to your gramma. Thanks so much for sharing.

Kate said...

I just have no words after reading this. You have been very blessed, my friend. Gramma was a wonderful woman and I feel so touched reading her impact on your life.