Thursday, April 12, 2007

Poopsie the Pharmacist....

I first must start this off by saying...GRILLING HAMBURGERS is NOT my job Dar ren! Had YOU done YOUR JOB and GRILLED the DAMN BURGERS we would not have gotten food poisoning.

Second of all, I was not going to blog this as I was NOT compassionate to my husband yesterday. He was ill. OH SO VERY ILL! ON HIS DEATH BED ILL! And I, being his loving and caring wife who is a nurse and took vows til death do us part....used the phrase whiny pain in the ass selfish baby NUMEROUS times.

I went to bed Tuesday night with a tummy ache. I KNEW that I was going to be sick but tried to bargain with God. "Please don't let me be sick. If I am please let it be a 1 time thing. I will do ANYTHING I have 4 kids that I have to take care of". I woke up Wednesday morning, knowing that this was going to happen. I take my shower and of course have to purge the remains of my under cooked hamburger. As I get myself back into the shower I think, "OH MY GOD! Had I had morning sickness...THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO FURTHER CHILDREN!" You crazy ladies who puke for months on end and do it again.....You really need your head examined as I would rather cut my toes off one by one with a spoon than puke.

During this time I did not realize that my husband got out of bed, called work and called off because his tummy hurts. He was not vomiting, nor had diarrhea and here I was with both. I was not a happy girl when I got out of the shower and realized that. ESPECIALLY WHEN HIS ASS WENT BACK TO BED! So, since I was SOOOO pissed at him for his SELFISHNESS I told him that if he were REALLY THAT SICK that HE had to stay in BED until the kids went to bed because I WAS NOT having the kids get sick on top of the strep. So, he stays in bed all day long, ya know I REALLY had to twist him arm to do that, and I am stewing. The only moments of pure pleasure are when I hear him hit the bathroom. MANY.MANY.MANY TIMES :) ( Yes I KNOW I AM AN EVIL MEAN BITCH)

I get all 4 of the kids tucked into bed and his ROYAL HIGHNESS gets out of bed comes down and starts WHINING on the couch. Holy Crap I snapped.

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! NONE OF THE 4 KIDS WHINED AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE IN THE PAST 5 MINUTES!"

* Insert SICK MAN ON DEATH BED WHINY VOICE * "Why are you so mean to me?"

"I am not being mean. I AM NOT going to listen to you whine like a freaking baby. SHUT UP and SUCK IT UP!"

"But you just don't understand. I am miserable. I am suffering. I am in so much pain. PAIN! You just don't understand pain! I am MORE SICK than you!"

"OH. MY. GOD!!!! HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW HOW SICK I WAS! YOU ARE SELFISH AND THINK OF YOURSELF ALL DAY LONG!!!! STOP YOUR WHINING!"

"Why are you so mean to me?" * Insert forcing out fake tears * "I am in SO MUCH PAIN! YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ME!!! YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

I COMPLETELY LOST any reserve of patience that I had with this man and told him, "Then GO TO THE FUCKING ER! IF YOU ARE SO SICK THEN GO TO THE ER! I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU WHINE ALL.NIGHT.LONG!"

"Why are you so mean to me?"

"MEAN! ME MEAN!!!!!! DUDE! I had a baby. C-section and my incision opened up and WHO THE HELL HELPED ME???? KRISTIN and her FOUR CHILDREN!!! NOT YOU!!!! SHE FLEW 1100 MILES TO HELP ME! YOU LEFT ME DIRTY DISHES. DIRTY LAUNDRY AND YOU DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE KIDS DURING THAT TIME!!!!! LETS NOT EVEN GET STARTED ON BEING MEAN AND WHAT PAIN IS!!!"

"I am going back to bed. You are so mean!"

"Go to bed and STOP WHINING!"

So, I can hear him moaning and groaning in bed and making his WHINE I AM A MAN IN PAIN sounds. During this time I am chatting with Kristin... I excuse myself...and I go and open our bedroom door. "If you are going to act like a freaking baby I am going to treat you as one. You have 2 choices. If you are in THIS MUCH PAIN you either need to shove these 2 Tigan 100mg suppositories up your ass or go to the ER. There is NO OTHER CHOICE. Pick one of the 2."

* Insert whimper whine moan * "No I am fine"

"No, THAT was not a choice. ER or suppositories. You refuse suppositories I will call 9-1-1 to take you to the ER"

"What will they do to me at the ER?"

"GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED AND PUT THESE SUPPOSITORIES UP YOUR ASS NOW! GET OUT OF BED DARREN! You DO NOT WANT ME TO PUT THEM IN YOUR ASS! YOU WILL REGRET THAT DECISION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. AND YOU WILL WISH THAT THAT LIFE WAS VERY SHORT!!! AND OMG! OUR CHILD HAS HAD HIS HEAD CRACKED OPEN LIKE AN EGG TWICE AND NOT COMPLAIN AS MUCH AS YOU!!!!"

Least to say...he got out of bed and did it.

Today him tummy is grumbly an OF COURSE still hurts....However I have to love his techs....

Dar ren's new name at work..."POOPSIE!"


7 comments:

Amy L. said...

OMG, I have tears. What is it with men? I'm sorry all of you got sick, and really sorry one of you thought they were entitled to the lion share of sympathy *rolls eyes*

Jessica said...

LMAO that perfectly describes 85% of all males when they are sick. I think you should get him a name tag for work that says " Darren " Poppsie" Hartman.

Wendy said...

LMAO, LMAO, LMAO, LMAO.....

Aritha said...

ROFL!!!!!

Since he was in so much pain he should've checked himself into the hospital. MEN!!! And they wonder why woman want to take a pillow and help them over that hump since they claim they are dying.

Anonymous said...

OMGOODNESS!!! What is it with men?? They just don't get it at all!!!

I was LOL and saying "no, he didn't" to myself the whole time I was reading.

I hope everyone is doing OK now.

LYnn said...

OMG...LOL

Linda said...

ROFLMAO