Friday, April 17, 2009

And out of the blue...

After Lindsay's anaphyllactic shock episode in the OR I had moments of sheer panic that centered around Lindsay. I spoke with a close friend of mine and asked her if it could be a little PTSD-ish. A lot of my issues would be when I would look at pics and it would only be of Gabe, Hannah and Fayeth or when talking about an upcoming event and thinking that it could have been without Lindsay. It got better as time went on and after her successful attempt at surgery I did not give it a second thought.

Easter Sunday I was driving to my mom and stepdad's house. I drive past my sisters house to do this, I was almost to where I had to turn to go down my mom's road when I saw an accident at the intersection. The ambulance and police officers were there. I parked a ways back because I could see the talk end of a cadiallac sticking out of the ditch. (My sister and her husband had a cadillac and were going to my moms also) I instantaneously could feel my heart start beating faster, my chest got tighers and all I could think about was please don't let this be my sister. I quickly walked down to the scene and just before the police officers got to me I looked into the ditch and was grateful to see it was not my sister's car. (there were 2 cars-1 in the ditch the other was smashed horrible and on the embankment of the ditch-both in horrible shape) The police officers came up to me and all I could get out was, "I am on the way to my mom's. My sister drives a cadiallac. I am so grateful that is not her car." And then the tears came. I could not hold them back. I was shaking and crying. The police officers had no clue what to take of my response. I just forced them a quick smile and a Happy Easter and walked back to my car. I was able to compose myself enough to get into the car. By then the kids figured out that the car was a cadiallac and they were starting to get a little panicked also.

I told them it was not Aunt Becca's car and I turned the car around to take the long way to my mom's house. I made it 0.2miles before I again lost it. The thoughts of I could have had to tell my mom that my sister was in an accident or I could have had to tell my sister that her husband was in an accident were overwhelming. All of a sudden my mind snapped to that moment where we spoke with Frim. Then the thoughts came back into my head. This could have been our first major Holiday without Lindsay. We could have been a family of 5, no longer 6.

I pulled over at my Aunt's house to compose myself as I could not drive in that state. The children had again started to get upset that it actually was Aunt Becca and I was not telling them the truth. I called Darren-who had not left our house yet-and told him what happened. I calmed down and drove to my mom's house. When I got there the kids jumped out of the car and went running into the house and telling my mom that there was an accident and I was crying. So I had to quickly tell her what happened. Leaving out my own issues as it was a Holiday and there is no reason to make her worry.

Fayeth-3y 11m, Hannah-5y 8m, Lindsay and Gabe 7 y 2.5m

For me the day was a little down cast. I made sure to get pictures of all the kids. I did miss getting a group shot of the kids when everyone arrived, but I will work on that next time.

Last night was Lindsay's 1st performance since her surgery. She did marvelous. However while standing at the back of the auditorium watching the kids-out of the blue, the thought came into my head-Lindsay's might not have ever performed again. This could have been just Gabe and Hannah performing. Last night it was just a brief thought-a quick stab to the heart-and it was gone. Like a quick but forceful reminder, all it takes is a brief moment and your entire world can be turned upside down.

Coppelia 2009
Lindsay-Floppy Clown (her choice), Gabe- Soldier, Hannah-Green Baby Doll

On a happier note. This is Lindsay and Gabe's 6th company production and Hannah's 4th.
My sweet, sweet kids-
I love you so very much. You never cease to make me proud. You will always be stars in my eyes. I love you so much!
Mommy

2 comments:

Lynn said...

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!! PTSD is a horrible thing and it always hits at the weirdest times. I think it never goes away either, you just learn now to deal with it when it hits.

Hugs!!!

S,D,J,K's Mom said...

Hugs to you Michelle. And strength too...being aware of our vulnerability can only make us stronger (or so we hope.)
I know I haven't had even half of the things to deal with that you have had with your cuties and I know how vulnerable I felt at times...like the world would crash down and I'd be lost forever without one of my children. That feeling is hard to shake and hits you like a bomb at crazy (and sometimes totally annoying times) and there is nothing you can do but cry. UNless you have been there it is hard to understand. YOu think you do but then when you really do you realize you just didn't get it before. Ia dmire your daily courage, your strength, your ability ota dmit when you need a glass of wine and tiem to yourself. You are a fabulous woman and I think many of us are envious of your strength...
Tammy