Guilt.....

In a marriage sometimes you have to make compromises. When we were pregnant with the twins we were faced with many choices. At 15 weeks due to my pre-eclampsia the OB on call that weekend wanted us to think about terminating the pregnancy because of my liver and kidneys. Thank God we never got to the point where we had to officially make that decision, though I would have never done it. I would have died carrying them. No one was taking my babies.

The HARDEST decision that we had to make was whether or not to circumcise G abe. That was a HEATED debate around here. I have worked in the nursing home for years and I have seen more UNcircumcised penises than circumcised ones. The hole "It is more cleanly debate did not ride well with me. If it were more cleanly and lent to better hygiene and less infections then more of the Senior Aged patients would be circumcised. For Dar ren it was purely cosmetic reason. Of course he then had to throw in the Bible. Blah Blah Blah.

We had G abe and I told Da rren that I would not sign for his circumcision that if HE wanted it done HE was signing the consent form. So, he signed the consent. He was also to be WITH G abe IN THE ROOM when it was done. I wanted him to see what he thought was a fine thing to do to his child. I have news for you all if your husbands watched a few circumcisions....there would be a lot less circumcisions.

D ar ren was working when G abe was circumcised so I got the pleasure of being there. I should have known then at his high level of pain tolerance that there was something special planned for this child. The only time he fussed was when they strapped his little body to the mummy board. I took him back and finished nursing him. He was so good about it. A little fussy the next day, but nothing horrible.

I never realized what an ISSUE this would be until Thursday night at dinner. We were discussing out new niece and I was telling Da rren about E li's (my nephew) shock when they changed her diaper, "IS THAT A VAGINA MOM!?" Ummm, yes girls have vaginas. Mis sy had also told me that changing a girl was worse than a boy because of all the cracks and creases. Somehow circumcision came up. The kids asked what that was and I explained what it was. The response we got from Ga be was awful! <>

G: "YOU CUT PART OF MY PENIS OFF???"

Me: No Sweetheart, boys are made with an extra section of skin and the drs like to remove that.

G: YOU CUT PART OF MY PENIS OFF???

Me: Sweetheart, just what is called your foreskin.

G: YOU CUT PART OF MY PENIS OFF???!!! <>

Me: Sweetheart it is okay.

G: YOU TOOK AWAY MY FORESKIN!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME DECIDE!!! WHO TOLD THEM TO DO THIS???

Me: Daddy signed the consent for the Dr to do the procedure Ga be. Dad dy had it done when he was a baby. Bil ly and E li had it done, Uncle B ill. It is okay. <>

G: <> I WANT MY FORESKIN BACK.

Me: Baby that is not the way it works. It is gone for good.

G: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! I COULD MAKE THAT DECISION!!!

And it went on for a while.

I will tell you that at that moment I never felt so guilty for allowing his foreskin to be removed. Dar ren of course does not. His theory is "Oh well. I wanted him to have it done."

Least to say, if we ever have a baby boy. He will remain INTACT and be allowed to make that decision for himself. If at 15 he wants it done, he has that right.

Dar ren said to me later that night. But you pierced the girls ears. And I informed him yes I know that I did, but they could at anytime remove their earrings. That Ga be could not sprinkle miracle grown on his penis and have his foreskin grown back. That it was gone for good.

Ga be is still upset by this. He is very deeply disturbed that we would do this to him. To him it sounds horrific. I am converted. So NOT doing that again.

The Name Game....

Last week Dar ren and I were in bed when out of the blue he says, "Your friends have some very weird last names!" I of course said, "What the hell are you talking about?" He says, "Amy Popcorn, Julie Goober and Nicole Pikle!" I honestly had to roll over and look at him. I said, "are you being serious?" He gave me the, Yeah I am look and I started laughing hysterically. Tears rolling down my cheeks tummy aching laughing.

After I composed myself I said, "Da rren, it is like in grade school when you have more than one Mich elle. You have Mich elle W, Mich elle H, Mic helle D. Amy's name on the board is POPCORN. There was Amy A and Amy S. So we always just called Amy S, Amy POPCORN. Then everyone knew who were you talking about. Or if we were in chat Amy A knew that we were talking to Amy Popcorn. Julie's onboard name is gooberjlm, hense Julie GOOBER. Nicole Pikle, 2 Nicoles, Nicole Pikle so you know them apart.

The sad thing is....Dar ren has met Amy Popcorn and Julie Goober. He has chatted with Nicole Pikle and her husband online. He truly thought that these were their names. I again started laughing and said....Did you think Lee's name was Uncle Dumpy Pikle? He just rolled over and went to sleep! LOL

To my friend (s)....

I have a friend that a few years back I just could not grasp what she was going through medically. I felt that instead of saying something stupid or uncompassionate I just would say nothing at all. I prayed for her, but I never was a great friend to her. I just could not understand. I now know that during that time she had to feel so alone and scared and frustrated that no one could tell her what exactly she was going through and how frustrating it is when no one can make it better for you.

In an ironic twist, she has been a WONDERFUL friend to me. I so DO NOT DESERVE her friendship. She can relate to what I am going through right now, she is a source of information for me. She pointed me into the direction of an awesome support group. I have empathy for her and what she has gone through and still is going through.

I have told her this recently, and I profusely apologized to her for my lack of support during that time. I explained that I thought it was better to say nothing when you did not know what to say. Gosh I realized now that I sucked.

I also would like to take the time to thank you who take the time to call, im, text, email, send cards just to let me know that you are thinking of us. It really means a lot. Also thank you those that leave comments on Ga be's (and now soon to be Han nah's page) They ask every morning if I can read the comments to them. They like to "check their email!" :)

The makings of a GREAT DADDY!

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